Help Someone by NOT Helping Them

I know I haven't been on here in a very long time but I need to say something.

I love my wife more than I ever thought possible. She is an amazing, gorgeous person and I still cannot believe she agreed to marry me. I would still choose to marry her every single day, somehow even more so now than when we actually got married.

She has demons and burdens that she carries. She has many trust, depression, and anxiety issues. Some stemming from her service in the Coast Guard, some from earlier parts of her life. She deals with, and will continue to deal with, these internal struggles every day of her life.

These are NOT flaws or hindrances that stop her from living. They are processes her brain goes through to make sure she doesn't get hurt again. And despite these extra steps her brain has to take she is somehow a brilliant mother and wife who deserves nothing but good in her life.

I say all this as preface. Anyone who knows her SHOULD know these things. If you don't then you're not paying attention.

I know a blog may be a lame place to make a declaration but it's the only place I have.

Those of you who feel the need to criticize and condemn everything you dislike; who vilify anything contrary to your personal stance; who feel like you are entitled to say something because of your position or relationship; who do or say things because it's "for her own good": You can fuck right off. Our lives are not yours to decide. Our lives are not an open forum to play in after you've fucked your life all to hell.

If you think this rant is about you, you're probably right. If you have a disagreement with something we've said or done, keep it to your fucking self.



This started as a post about my wife and the shitbags in her life, but it's turning into a post defending my wife and anyone who is persecuted.



This country has turned into a totem pole of fuckery. We're constantly bombarded with information which tells us if you're not a rich, heterosexual, white man then you're wrong and you can't climb to the top of the pole.

Fuck that.

You want to get covered in tattoos because you think it will look awesome now AND when you're 80? You're right!

You think tattoos are dumb and don't want to pollute your body? You're right!



You made a bad decision (or more likely someone else's bad decision happened to you) and now you feel like an abortion is your best/only option? You're right!

You got pregnant, don't want/can't keep the baby, but you don't want an abortion and feel like adoption is your best/only option? You're right!



You're a 16 year old boy and you think you might like to try kissing a boy? You're right!

You're a 16 year old boy who loves kissing girls but can't see yourself ever kissing a boy? You're right!



You think Jesus is our one true savior and you'll follow his teachings and worship him everyday? You're right!

You think Jesus is a bunch of fairytale, fanfiction bullshit made up and hijacked to keep ignorant people under control? You're right!



My point is, you will always find someone who thinks they know how to live your life better than you do. That's absolute garbage. Do what you want. The decisions that you make for yourself ARE the right decisions and will get you where you need to go.

"But what if a person's decisions lead them to kill someone else?" I'm obviously not talking about those kinds of decisions you pedantic moron.

Parents, teachers, preachers, and anyone who thinks they're higher up or better off in life will always feel like they can help guide you. There's nothing wrong with that feeling. But when it crosses the line and becomes badgering or insulting you to try to force you to make the decisions they want you to make then it's turned into background noise. That's exactly how you have to treat it. You can't even dignify it with an argument. It's static on the radio signal barely audible behind your favorite song.

There are so many amazing people in this world who expend all their daily effort struggling with themselves and don't have time to defend themselves from meddlesome motherfuckers whose selfish ulterior motives are so transparent they're hardly ulterior.

My wife is one of these people. People fighting more inner demons than most others can fathom AND having to defend themselves from people close to them hellbent on maintaining their power-hold.

When you meet one of these warriors, you'll see their struggle. It will be etched in their speech and mannerisms. Be there for them. Don't try to help them through their problems. Just shut your mouth and be there for them. Don't give suggestions about how they can overcome. Open your ears and be there for them. Don't try to see the other side of the story. Open your mind and be there for them.

In the end, that's all they're asking for.

Unemployment Fiasco Update

So, I finally got through to the Tennessee Unemployment Office a few weeks ago.  After 130+ calls to numerous phone numbers, unhelpful automated messages, indifferent/condescending attitudes from people at local offices, and a hint that I might be going insane I finally got the number to ring.  So then I sat on hold for almost an hour and half before a human came on the line.

I'm not complaining about sitting on hold.  I understand the entire operation is....bungled (I'm trying not to fly into a tirade).  But my question is: If people have to sit on hold for over an hour after getting the line to ring why aren't they allowed to sit on hold from the start?  Why make people call and call and call while giving them an automatic recording if they're going to be on hold once they get through anyway?  Wouldn't the simpler, and less discouraging, way be to do away with the automated message, allow callers to be placed on hold immediately, and inform them that it could be a very, very long wait?  At least the caller would know they are in line and moving, however slowly it might be, toward progress.

The current system of having one number to call seems to be causing a bottleneck.  And this bottleneck is causing all kinds of tangible and intangible effects on unemployed Tennesseans.  I felt extreme depression and disillusionment while unemployed.  Having already been told I wasn't wanted/needed anymore I was then forced to acknowledge I could not provide for my family alone and needed to seek help.  Help that I had been contributing to with taxes I had been paying for many years.  And then to be met with a metaphorical brick wall was discouraging, to say the least.

This morning I received two messages, one as a comment to my previous blog post, one as a direct email from a reader, that mentioned depression about their situation, fear at their future prospects, and even suicide.  To herd already downtrodden people to one over-crowded, apparently under-staffed feed trough appears misguided and ultimately harmful.  When people are in a fragile financial and mental state the last thing they need is a seemingly impossible gauntlet just to feed themselves.

My story turned out okay.  I finally got through, found a job after four months, and should be starting this week.  But I can't take credit for it all.  I still attribute my success with the Tennessee Unemployment Office to luck.  I feel like if my call had been a few seconds earlier or later then I would have received the same unhelpful message and one more metaphorical kick in the gut.  Keeping my spirits above the disaster mark was 95% friends and family.  Finding a job turned out to be a lucky opening at a company where a close friend worked which was enough to get me in the door.  The only part I can take credit for is the actual interview process.

But what about the people who don't have any emergency fund?  The ones living paycheck to paycheck, who could be out of food, shelter, and options within a matter of weeks if they were laid off?  What about people with no family to lean on, whether it be merely because of distance or because of some past family drama?  What about the people with a high school education who have worked at the same job for 20 years who are suddenly thrust into a situation where they have to start over?  These people need assistance and they can't afford to wait for it.

It's not difficult to see how someone in one of these situations would see suicide as an option, even briefly.  When it seems like you have nowhere else to turn, when it seems like you're being ignored by the very people who are supposed to help you, life can seem unbearable.


If you are in this situation please listen to me: You are not alone.  No matter how hopeless your situation may seem it is never beyond recovery.  No matter how many people treat you with indifference or animosity there are many more willing to help.  

- National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
- Here is a link to many, many different agencies and programs who provide all kinds of assistance for unemployed Americans.

Use these resources.  If you need additional assistance, or you just need to talk to someone, my contact email is listed in the right-hand column.  Or you can leave a comment and other readers can help.

Don't give up.  Don't ever give up.

No Man's Land

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  I wake up every day with no idea what I'm doing.  I don't feel like an adult, even though I pretend to be one every day.  I don't want to spend the next 40 years in a cubicle and I'm not ready to give up on my dreams.  But I have a mortgage and two kids.  I clearly am an adult.  I'm living in no man's land.  I have the hopes and dreams of a college kid with all the drama and responsibilities of a full-fledged adult.

So what does that mean?  Does that mean that I'm just being a selfish, whiny bitch by not wanting to join the normal workforce?  I look at our income, with the small amount of unemployment that I'm getting, and say "If we're paying the bills and we're not starving then why do I feel like I have to make more money than that?"  But that falls apart when you consider we don't have health insurance, or savings for my kids' college, or more than six month's worth of retirement, or a second car to actually drive to work and not leave my wife without transportation.  When I factor in all those things I ask myself how we were even paying the bills when I had a job.

I don't want to put on my monkey suit and corporate smile five days a week while I count the hours until I can go home, see my family for a couple of hours, try to sleep, and do it all over again.  But I don't want to be the 40 year old asking if you have any coupons for your purchase either.

I have no idea who the hell I am or what I want to be when I grow up. 

Some days I think I'm insane.  Some days I think I'm just depressed.  But most days I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I looked too closely at the mindless monotony of corporate America, saw what a clusterfuck it was, and decided I wanted no part of it.  But I have no back-up plan.  No brilliant idea to keep me out of the grind.

My previous post talked about my desire to open my own business, do things my way, and take full control of my life.  I have since been informed, by many people, that I'm an idiot who should probably just give up and punch a button every day while someone else decides my fate. 

And I don't know who's right.

Here's the Will, but Where's the Way?

My bout with joblessness has rekindled a flame that I thought died a while ago: I want to open my own business.  I've toyed with the idea several times before but it never went very far.  Computer repair shop, comic book shop, bookstore.  It seems I'm drawn to industries that are either dying or over-saturated. 

The computer repair shop would be most similar to what I've done before but that's a good and bad thing.  I like computers, but I like them when they work.  Fixing the occasional problem is fine, and I fixed problems all day every day for years, but going to work every day knowing that feeding your family depends on fixing other people's mistakes would be draining.

I love books and I think a love of reading is the most important skill a child can ever develop, but no one buys books anymore.  Second-hand bookstores and ebooks have drastically changed the industry.  And not necessarily for the worse.  Jumping in this industry now would be disastrous.

The craziest idea that ever actually took hold in my brain was the comic book shop.  Comics are relatively cheap, on an individual basis.  And they are a fantastic tool for getting kids to WANT to learn to read.  My son started reading by sounding out the action words (BLAM!  KRAKADOOOOOM!!!) as I read comics to him and naturally progressed to other picture books and then on to chapter books.  I have all kinds of ideas.  Bundled discounts, pre-ordering discounts, cross-marketing with similar/adjacent businesses, kids night (bring your kid to come hear us read a new kids comic and when the reading is done one kid gets randomly selected to take the comic home for free), a good report card means an extra discount on comics, etc.  But a comic shop means ridiculous amounts of overhead.  New product needs to be purchased every single week.  And without going into the details of the vendor purchasing situation in the comic industry I'll say it's pretty unforgiving to newcomers. 

So I'm left with an unrelenting desire to strike out on my own, be my own boss, and build a business from the ground up, but I have no smart sounding business idea to pair with the desire.  I'm prepared to obsessively work twenty hours a day every day to get my business off of the ground, but nothing to obsess over.

I feel like I'm back in tenth grade trying to decide what to do with my life, thinking "It seems daunting now, but by the time I'm 25 I'll have figured it out and have a few years under my belt."  Well, I'm 26 now and don't feel like I've figured anything out.  I worked for almost five years building skills and getting experience in my chosen industry, but now it looks like I'll need to start over if I want to stay in the same industry.  And I feel like if I'm going to spend another five years starting from the bottom again, pouring every ounce of my passion into a project, shouldn't I blaze a path on my own and benefit in the long run?

So if anyone wants to throw some substantial capital my way I can 100% guarantee that it won't be squandered.  You may very well lose every penny you invest, but it will be exciting.  The eventual success/failure will be nothing short of spectacular.

(My sales pitch needs some work.)

Dear Tennessee Unemployment Office

Dear Tennessee Unemployment Office,

     I have humbled myself enough so I can acknowledge that I need your assistance.  It was very difficult for me to make this decision.  I originally filed the paperwork on April 2nd but I just tried to do my first weekly check-in on May 14th.  I received paperwork from you the week after my initial contact informing me that I am eligible for unemployment benefits.

From that time until now I have struggled with the decision to partake in unemployment benefits.  But two months after my lay-off I am beginning to see the distinct lack of jobs for my skill and experience range.  Entry level jobs do not pay enough and administration and management jobs are out of my experience range.  Although, one would ask, how can I get experience as an administrator or IT manager when every job listing for those positions requires extensive previous experience?  It seems a paradox (which is quite fitting for my blog but quite unhelpful in feeding my children).

But the hiring practices of various IT departments are not your concern.  I was unable to login to the online weekly check-in site and was directed to call a phone number.  If I decipher the wording in your help documents correctly, it seems that the PIN for online access needs to be setup either the first time I attempt to login or by phone.  I do not remember logging in at all, this being the first time I have attempted to do my weekly certification, so I do not suspect that is the issue.  It is probably my fault for not calling sooner.  Or it could be that you have placed a hold on my account due to my lack of check-ins and require me to call and have it reactivated.  Regardless, I need to speak with you on the phone to proceed any further.  Here's where my issues arise.

I began calling the toll free 877 number listed in your help documents at 8 AM Monday morning.  I received a message saying you could not take my call due to an extremely high call volume.  It seemed kind of silly not to even allow people to sit on hold but I gave you the benefit of the doubt.  It was early morning on a regular weekly check-in day and I suspected you were quite busy.  Calling numerous times throughout the day yielded the same message.  My last call that day was somewhere between 4 PM and 5 PM.  I made many more attempts the next day, all resulting in the same "We cannot take your call" message.

I scoured your website and found a local Nashville number, which routed to the same message I had been receiving, and a number for weekly phone check-ins.  This was surprising seeing as how I attributed your high call volume to the normal weekly check-ins.  Learning that it was a separate, automated number was unexpected.  I also found a fax number which I found amusing.  First, because it's 2012, and second, because I find it hard to believe that someone contacting the unemployment office would have ready access to a fax machine.  I proceeded to call the weekly check-in line, entered my social security number, and was told I was ineligible to use that number and needed to call their help center.

Hilariously, that was the same number I was originally calling.

I tried numerous times that day with my final attempt coming once again somewhere between 4 PM and 5 PM.  I once again attempted to call today and received the same message.  I eventually looked up the number for the local labor and workforce development office and phoned them.  The ultra-personable lady who answered the phone informed me that they had nothing to do with weekly check-ins and directed me to, say it with me now, the SAME DAMN PHONE NUMBER.

So, Tennessee Unemployment Office, after mentally berating myself for weeks, trying to reconcile the idea of an intelligent man in his mid-twenties with a computer degree, 5 years of applicable experience, and 3 years of management experience from a previous job somehow needing unemployment assistance, I decided to seek your help.  But now I find a seemingly endless loop of pseudo-functioning phone numbers and unreachable employees.  I have cast aside my pride and sense of self-subsistence to reach out for assistance.  Is it necessary to make me beg for it as well?

Humbly and Sincerely,

Andrew Stephenson