Dream Sports Network

I the spirit of the return of football I thought I would have some sports talk.  I'll be honest; I can't stand the majority sports reporters.  They either try to sound too smart, or don't try to sound intelligent at all.  That said, I want to create a network with my fantasy team of sports analysts.  I'm not going to go into play-by-play or color commentary guys.  Too many to list for both the good and the bad.  But I will say that I, for one, enjoyed the Dennis Miller experiment on Monday Night Football.  I have never seen anywhere else where I can learn something about the Raiders' defensive line and 13th century existentialism at the same time.  And for that I thank you Dennis.

 I'm sure I will want to make changes to this in the future but here is my first draft.

These are my analysts:

NFL     - Chris Berman/Bill Simmons

MLB     - Bill Simmons/Chris Berman

NBA     - Bill Simmons/Dick Vitale

NHL     - Barry Melrose

CFB     - Chris Berman/Bill Simmons

CBB     - Dick Vitale/Bill Simmons

Chris Berman

This man can talk intelligently about ANY sport.  He almost makes me want to watch the CFL.  His calls are so iconic that my wife can quote them.  That's transcendence.  

Bill Simmons

Another guy who can make any sporting event intriguing.  I never miss a column from Bill.  His ability to mix knowledge with snarky comments is unparalleled.  He also never shies away from the truth.  If he made a bonehead prediction he will own up to it. 

Dick Vitale

Um...It's fucking Dick Vitale.  Seriously.  This guy could get me excited about defrosting my freezer. 

Barry Melrose

Possibly the only man to combine intelligence and a mullet since 1992.

I would also like to include Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser.  On my station PTI would be an hour long, and Mike and Tony would be allowed to say whatever the hell they wanted to say.  I'm so tired of public figures being crucified for speaking their mind...particularly when they are paid to do just that.

And speaking of Kornheiser, Ron Jaworski only works on Monday Night Football with Kornheiser as his foil.  I love Jaws, but I love him in 45 second chunks with plenty of downtime afterward.  I feel like Jaws is the opposite of Ron Burgundy.  Burgundy will read anything verbatim from the teleprompter, right down to the punctuation.  Jaworski just inserts 17 exclamation points after every sentence.  It's tiring to listen to.  But it was tolerable with Kornheiser following up each outburst with understated sarcasm.  

These are the people I would like to hear from regarding the sporting world.  I'm sure I've left people out and I will add them as they are brought to my attention this year.  Feel free to let me know in the comments who I forgot.