New Year's Resolutions Suck

Simple topic.  New Year's resolutions suck.  Discuss...

If you're waiting for some magical day to suddenly give you the willpower to accomplish something in your life then 1) You're doing it wrong and 2) You've already failed before you even started.

I say this from personal experience.  My resolution last year was to lose 100 pounds.  It really shouldn't be that hard.  I could lose 100 pounds and still be the lard-ass hogging the armrest in the theater.  I have made this resolution many times dating back to high school.  (Fun Fact: That may be the only time you'll ever hear me mention myself, dating, and high school in the same sentence.)

I started off decently.  I "borrowed" a WiiFit from my in-laws and started doing it every day.  I couldn't rely on having time every night so I decided to get up early and exercise the demons before getting ready for work.  And by early I mean Five.O.Clock.  Before this time I had seen 5 A.M. quite a few times in my life.  But previously a look at my clock saying 5 A.M. generally resulted in "Damn! I need to go to bed."

Being a math nerd, I figured if I could lose eight pounds a month then I would be almost there.  The first two months went great.  I would sweat a little in the morning and it helped me get to sleep at a decent time at night.  I was down twenty pounds, ahead of schedule, and feeling great.  Then came a cataclysmic event the likes of which even Ray Finkle wouldn't envy:  My wife's parents asked us to return the WiiFit.

Gasp.  Shriek.

We promptly went out that night and dropped another $90 for our very own WiiFit.  I brought it straight home and immediately set it up.  Aaaaaaaaand ten months later I can't remember if I ever even turned it on again.

Wait, what?

We never actually went an entire day without a unit in our house.  How could switching WiiFit units cause me to fall off of my schedule?

My theory:  My success was so desperately hanging on at that point that anything could have disrupted the routine.  A stone falling out of a washed-up kickers' Dolphins AFC championship ring could have caused it.

I was fooling myself.  I wasn't eating any better.  In fact, I was actually eating worse because I felt like I deserved it for all the "exercise" I was doing.

By the end of the year I was down a net of ten pounds for the year.  Far short of my goal.

So, once again I will try to drop some weight this year.  I've used all kinds of reasons in the past.  Health, looks, desire to fit in to normal chairs.  But now I have a wife and kids.  ( I don't think I'll ever get used to saying that.)  I can't just think about myself anymore.

I don't want to be the fat dad who can't run with his kid outside.  I don't want to chill on the side of the pool too embarrassed to take his shirt off and get in the water with his family.  I don't want to use my weight as an excuse not to do things anymore.  I'm tired of my own shit.  I not going to take the excuses anymore.  I can't scream "Laces out, Dan" and ignore my own shortcomings.

I'm going to Andy Boot Camp.

I'm going to set up a page on this here blogtacular site and keep track of my progress.  Please feel free to stop by and lend encouragement or insult my feeble attempts, whichever you would like.

Just do me a favor:  Be Real.  Don't sugar-coat the truth. (mmmm...sugar)


[Editor's Note: There are four references to Ace Ventura in this post.]

Kevin Smith

I will preface this post with the admission that I love just about everything associated with Kevin Smith. For me, his movies are infinitely rewatchable. Some may think his movies are a bit heavy (not a fat joke, Kevin) on the dialogue, but none can deny his unique eloquence. This post is a public acknowledgement of my man-crush for Kevin Smith.

Now that the verbal BJ is out of the way, I think the man is a visionary. How many people can you say truly do what they love for a living? How many people do what they love ever? This man is a walking posterboy for perseverance. He gets destroyed in the media every time he opens his mouth, but a quick glance at his Twitter page shows that robot journalist douchebags do not speak for the masses. He is the paradigm for any serious artist.

Kevin's latest endeavor is one of the most inspirational things for aspiring artists that I've seen in a while. Rather than feeding the corporate machine, he is financing and releasing his film on his terms. I almost equate this with the tactic Radiohead took for the release of In Rainbows. Why would you want to sell your product for $15, give up the majority of that to others who had little to nothing to do with the end product, and bring home a few bucks when you can release your product for $5 (or in Radiohead's case, pick-your-price) and only have minor hosting and administrative fees to cover? Artists and consumers are both happier and more apt to create/consume. The wretched hive of scum and villainy that is the Internet allows for artists to interact directly with fans, admirers, critics, and -let's be honest- consumers. Artists are finally realizing they have other options than lining the pockets of industry blowhards.

This is why Kevin Smith is a visionary. The man has 1.7+ million followers on Twitter. I challenge any ad firm (hell, bring in Don Draper if you'd like) to find one outlet where you can advertise to 1.7 million people in your target audience FOR FREE. Let's say 10 million people are watching a TV show and a trailer for Red State runs. Of those ten million, how many are in the target demographic? How many were in the bathroom during the commercial break? How much did the ad cost? This marketing strategy is only accepted because the "just throw some money at it" approach is so prevalent. We watch the Superbowl and see companies pay millions of dollars to show us their trailer only to be forgotten the next day because Budweiser had a commercial with a farting dolphin on right after that. Seeing it from that perspective makes it seem pretty ridiculous.

As an aspiring artist, I have great hope that this will become a viable route for reaching an audience. Obviously, not everyone has a million followers and an established fanbase, but I think future artists can use this model to cheaply (Read: free) interact with their fans, and potential fans.

Here's to hoping that art trumps greed.

Or maybe he'll fail miserably. Either way, at least we can get a few entertaining podcasts out of it.

Kids

Do you realize kids born within the last month have never seen an update to this site?  That's not a world I want to live in.

Speaking of kids (I'm practicing my transitions for my television debut) I'm going to be Daddy² soon.  Some of you may say "Wait just a minute my rotund friend!  Don't you mean Daddy * 2?"  No, Sir, I do not.  Because for each kid you have everything increases exponentially.  Cuteness quotient, drama index, and poopy diaper coefficient.

My wife is currently in her eighth month of pregnancy. (Side Note: Eighth is a ridiculously spelled word.  Just look at it.  That's one of the dumbest looking words I've ever seen.  Score one for illiteracy. At least they don't have to read it.)  She is enjoying all the fun things that come with being pregnant.  What's that?  There's really not much about pregnancy that's fun?  Well, then maybe we should carve this baby out and live it up.  But am I ready?

I sway back and forth when I walk between excitement and sheer terror.  I have never been a parent to someone under the age of two.  I assume the snarky comments and general sass-mouth (medical term) are replaced with bottles and diapers.  Other than that, I have no idea what to expect.

I am prepared for screaming children at 3 A.M. (and 3 P.M.) but am I prepared to parent an infant?  Can I give my newborn daughter all the love she deserves without making my son feel like I'm robbing him of said love?  Can I find time to show my wife that she's still the gorgeous, intelligent woman that I married even when we're both exhausted and delirious?  Can I find time to further my career/continue my education/pursue my dreams when I now have two humans depending on me for everything?

It's overwhelming.  I'm excited, but humbled.

I can't be the only person who's felt this way, right?

Parents

There seems to be some confusion over proper parenting behavior.

Parents don't need an accountant to keep track of the money they spend on their kids, just so it can be held over their heads later in life.

Parents don't display their grievances with their childrens' decisions in public.  And they sure as hell don't demean them in front of anyone else.

Parents don't try to use grandchildren as a threat or bargaining chip in petty arguments.

Parents make sure their kids get hugs and kisses and "I love you" so much that it's embarrassing.

Parents don’t put baby in a corner.



I saw an article on Cracked the other day talking about things that "good" parents do to screw up their children.  It was a list of the things that are "best practices" for parenthood but often end up having unintended consequences.  Of course, this all assumes that someone else knows how to parent your kid better than you do.  Granted, sometimes this is quite true. *cough* Dina Lohan *cough*

But many people are so concerned with having the right plan and saying the right things to ensure our little bundles of innocence blossom into functional adults.

The following is taken from an email exchange my wife and I had after reading the Cracked article.  She jokingly asked if we should revamp our entire parenting strategy.

Or we could just be open and honest with our child instead of trying to trick him into being a productive human being.  That's the biggest problem.  Everyone wants a battle plan for raising their child.  That's stupid.

If every adult is a different person then every child is a different person.  If you tried to make a cookie cutter guide to please every person on the planet it would be a horrendous failure.  So why do people try to do it with children?  Time-outs work for some kids.  Guilt works for some kids.  Spankings work for others.  There's no "right" way to raise a child.  And parents need to tailor their parenting to their own fucking child.  

I'm not saying to let them get away with anything they want.  But have rules and stick to them.  And if you find out that your own rules are bullshit, then change them.  Admitting to your child that you made a mistake does NOT make you weaker in their eyes.  It makes you more human.  And there's no better way to raise a child then to have them realize everyone's human and everyone makes mistakes.

I'm not saying parents are 100% responsible for how their kids turn out.  But I'm sure as hell saying they're 98% responsible.  


Don't wait until your kid is seventeen and going to the prom to talk to them about sex.  
Don't wait until your kid is seventeen to talk to them about drinking/smoking/drugs.
Don't train your kid to be a good little sheep and accept everything that authority figures say verbatim. 


I don't have all the answers.  Hell, I don't have most of the answers.  But I've seen quite a bit of parenting, whether it be myself or others in my life.  And I sure as hell know what NOT to do.  


Don't be scared that you don't know how to do everything right.  


You will screw up.  Your kids will screw up.  Learn from those mistakes TOGETHER.  I honestly think that's the only way to avoid being an 18 year-long incubator and becoming a functional parent. 






If you would like to buy a copy of my parenting book I would be glad to print out this post, staple it several times (no less than two, no more than four), and sell it to you for $17.99.  

Let's Get Srsly Srs

The other day I was talking to my wife about the phantom tax cut that the Obama administration passed earlier this year.  This article from the NY Times talks about how most people didn't even realize it happened.

I made a comment to my wife that I was concerned about my annual tax liability staying the same when the amount allotted from each paycheck was less.  She asked for a little clarification of what I meant and this spewed forth:

The taxes being taken out of my paychecks are very similar to our property tax being rolled into the escrow with our mortgage.  We pay a little extra every month so it builds up to what we have to pay for yearly taxes.  Then when the taxes come due, the money is already there and we don't have to pay any more.  

The amount of taxes I owe at the end of the year is based on how much I make.  I have a certain amount taken out of each paycheck to go toward that amount.  This is basically how the tax refund works.  I give the government money from every paycheck to count toward my yearly tax liability.  At the end of the year if I've given them too much then they give me back the difference.  But, if I've given them too little then I have to pay the difference. 

Here's where my question comes in.  If the amount of taxes that I owe stays the same, and my exemptions/the government is taking less from each of my paychecks, then I will have a smaller refund or I might owe at the end of the year....unless they have made some adjustment to my overall tax liability.  I assume they would be blowing themselves on national television if they had done that so I don't thinks it's happened.  

This could mean that millions of Americans who have been claiming the same exemptions on their paychecks for years could have a dramatically different amount that they owe the government this year. 

It's just like the original version of the new homebuyer's credit.  Under the version that we [my wife and I] took advantage of, the credit is a one time gift from Uncle Sam thanking us for stimulating the economy by buying a house.  Under the version from the year before (the way I understand), it was basically an $8000 loan.  They were getting an $8000 advance on their next years' taxes.  Meaning, those people have to pay that $8000 back the next year (that year being this one).  

SO!!!  When tax time comes around next year we will have millions of homeowners (whether they're victims of a foreclosure or not) who now owe $8000 more than usual due to the original homebuyer's credit/loan.  AND you combine that with every working American not having as much money built up toward their yearly tax liability because of the hidden tax break.  This could make for a very bad combination.  Throw in outside factors such as the terrible housing market, the equally terrible job market, the ever-declining value of the dollar, and the "war" in Afghanistan, and you get a potential catastrophe.  

Okay...I got a little dramatic.  But you can see where I'm going.  Tax credits are great as long as they're real.  Don't have them be a hidden loan or something that could blindside us at tax time.

Sorry to get into something so serious.  Election season has me steering away from normal Apollo 13 references and more toward political issues.