Holiday Musings

From my experience, holidays bring out two conflicting yet complementary emotions in me: Joy at seeing loved ones and an overwhelming desire to be far away from said loved ones.

I love my family.  I just love them from over here.  At my house.

It's the same way I feel about talking on the phone.  I am approximately 93000% more likely to respond to a text message or email than a voicemail.  The ability to say "You know what? You can wait for 6 minutes while I do some important shit." before sending a response is one of the most liberating things that technology has ever done for me (Also, pooping is much more entertaining).  Try that technique on a traditional phone call. "I'm sorry. I am at a critical moment in my research of warp drive mechanics on the Enterprise D. I'm going to need you to shut up for 4-5 minutes so I can comprehend this fake science. Thanks."  See how well that goes with your grandma.

That's exactly how I feel at human gatherings.

I have something I call "Corporate Andy", formerly known as "Blockbuster Andy".  This guy is just a super dude.  He's all about your cat stories and helping you with your newfangled touchscreen phone.  He began out of necessity while at my first job. (I bet you can't guess where it was.)  Putting on the Blockbuster Andy persona allowed me to be a sociable and genuinely likable guy for nearly anyone in any demographic.  It worked very well for selling frivolous things to busy people.  When I changed jobs my corporate persona had to evolve.  I was no longer dealing with the general public.  Corporate Andy became the guy at work that would listen to you explain why that particular sweater was just perfect for your dog while fixing mundane "problems" on your "system".

This is usually the personality I adopt at social events.  Lately, "social events" has turned into anything outside my home.  Once you're adopting artificial personalities on a nearly daily basis one of two things can happen:  1) You can gradually become that person, even when you're alone.  2) The fabric of reality around Fake You begins to crack and the dreaded Real You emerges.  I believe I am in the final stages of scenario 2.

I just don't want to play the game anymore.  You know the game.  Brown-nosing and sexual favors getting the same consideration as intelligence and hard work.  Status quo taking precedence over progress and efficiency.  Showing up to the department's Christmas party on time is more important than showing up to work on time.

This is the machine that has taken control.  I know I sound like an emo teenager right now but at least they give a shit about something.  When you are passionate about something you make stupid decisions in the name of that passion.  When you are trying to keep your desk job you lay low and try not to get noticed.  I feel like I'm in a hidden camera version of Office Space.  The cover of the TPS report is more important than the content.

These emotions start to seep into my after-work moods during the holidays.  The absurdity of everyday human behavior becomes much more visible.  Parents and grandparents fiendishly searching for a hunk of plastic because the TV said it was the hot toy of the year.  Families spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars trying to have a better Christmas card than anyone else.  Businesses everywhere trying to be polite and non-offensive while just wanting to say "Merry Christmas", "Happy Hanukkah", "Have a great Kwanzaa", "Hope you have a fantastic Whatever-The-Fuck-It-Is-That-You-Celebrate".

We have become so conditioned that you are either happy or sad, there is no in-between.  I feel like I have to turn on corporate Andy just so people won't ask me why I'm sad.  I'm not sad!  I'm fucking indifferent to the stupid shit coming out of your mouth!  I don't want to talk about the weather, or a fake singing competition on TV, or why you don't much care for the bitch in accounting.

If you have to be fake at work, and you have to be fake around your family, when can you ever be you?

Silence.

I think that's what I crave.

If small-talk and gossip and regurgitated opinions are all there is to offer, can we please just have silence?