I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I wake up every day with no idea what I'm doing. I don't feel like an adult, even though I pretend to be one every day. I don't want to spend the next 40 years in a cubicle and I'm not ready to give up on my dreams. But I have a mortgage and two kids. I clearly am an adult. I'm living in no man's land. I have the hopes and dreams of a college kid with all the drama and responsibilities of a full-fledged adult.
So what does that mean? Does that mean that I'm just being a selfish, whiny bitch by not wanting to join the normal workforce? I look at our income, with the small amount of unemployment that I'm getting, and say "If we're paying the bills and we're not starving then why do I feel like I have to make more money than that?" But that falls apart when you consider we don't have health insurance, or savings for my kids' college, or more than six month's worth of retirement, or a second car to actually drive to work and not leave my wife without transportation. When I factor in all those things I ask myself how we were even paying the bills when I had a job.
I don't want to put on my monkey suit and corporate smile five days a week while I count the hours until I can go home, see my family for a couple of hours, try to sleep, and do it all over again. But I don't want to be the 40 year old asking if you have any coupons for your purchase either.
I have no idea who the hell I am or what I want to be when I grow up.
Some days I think I'm insane. Some days I think I'm just depressed. But most days I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I looked too closely at the mindless monotony of corporate America, saw what a clusterfuck it was, and decided I wanted no part of it. But I have no back-up plan. No brilliant idea to keep me out of the grind.
My previous post talked about my desire to open my own business, do things my way, and take full control of my life. I have since been informed, by many people, that I'm an idiot who should probably just give up and punch a button every day while someone else decides my fate.
And I don't know who's right.
Well said. I share a lot of your feelings, but am in a diametrically different situation. I have no kids, no mortgage (no apartment), quit my job 15 months ago (for lots of reasons—the work, commute, objections to the operational behavior of the corporate world)—I have effectively avoided or abandoned all adult responsibilities, perhaps in-part intentionally.
ReplyDeleteAnd part of me is afraid, and depressed, and insane—but then another part of me isn't worried at all. Somehow my ego or something has this delusion that I'm smart or talented or lucky enough that somehow I can't actually screw this up—it's a bizarrely childish notion, which if I hadn't abandoned all responsibilities I wouldn't have the luxury of enduring.
I've never considered starting a company, I really should be applying to graduate programs in economics or physics or something, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all—like I said, very childish.
What are the criticisms/concerns over you starting a company? The hard work and risks? I suspect I'm too lazy and undisciplined to be self-employed, but maybe I underestimate the motivational potency of working for yourself. If you think there is a market and that you'd enjoy it, I'd probably vote for that, but it's not a vote and I'm nobody to take career advice from.
Best of luck with whatever you choose.
The issue with starting my own business would be the market. I love music, books, comics, computers, movies, video games, and basically anything that takes creativity. Bookstores are dying every day, music purchasing has shifted to predominantly online sales, comic shops have always been hit or miss and are rapidly declining, movie stores are almost non-existent, my interest in video games isn't enough to warrant a career, and there are already 9000 computer places. Everything that I love would make an awful career choice.
DeleteI could pursue my music. I was in a band for about ten years but most members have moved out of town (some have moved out of the country).
Do what feels right to you. I finished one semester of college and dropped out of two more the first time I went. I only went because my mother wanted me to go. I took some time off, figured out something that I was actually interested in and then went to college for that.
You have one very important thing going for you: You are aware of your situation. You're not in denial. You may not know what you want to do with your life but you definitely know what you DON"T want to do. And that's more than a lot of people can say. The most common version I see is people figuring out ten years into a career that they hate it.