Daughters

Hopefully by the time this post is published I will be a proud papa of a new baby girl. If not, then I'll have one pissed off pregnant wife.

I've heard a bit of advice about raising a daughter but it all seems to be focused on what could/will go wrong. Here's a gem that stuck in my mind:

If you have a boy, then you have one penis to worry about. If you have a girl, then you have everyone else's penis to worry about.

Couldn't you easily switch the genders and genitalia and still have an accurate statement?

I think this sort of mentality is contributing to my anxiety about having a daughter. Fear of the unknown is ever prevalent in my life. I like to be prepared for anything and everything. You can never have enough money/time/blood/energy/information/towels to be prepared for every situation.  So I think I'm psyching myself out about parenting a girl.

I always hear about the bad stuff. However, I don't think any of these issues have anything to do with my latest child being female.

She'll have you wrapped around her finger.
Valid concern. But only valid because my son has already shown how susceptible I am to such tactics.

Just wait until she starts talking.
Have you met my son? If he's awake, then he's talking. And I doubt my daughter will be making lightsaber noises for six straight hours on a daily basis. (I wouldn't be too upset if she did though)

Look out when she starts driving.
I'm nervous about my wife driving. Not because I doubt her skill (if she can dock a 46' boat on Lake Erie in choppy seas, I think she can handle navigating a parking lot in a Mercury). But my concern is all the other idiots on the road. My child being female doesn't affect my limited trust in human intelligence.

Just wait for the teenage years. 
I don't mean to sound like I'm constantly degrading my son, but he's a bottle of black nail polish away from an angsty teenager right now. And he can't tie his shoes yet.

I just don't think all the drama people assume will come with having a girl is warranted. Yes, her clothing budget may be astronomically higher than my son's. But my son may need hundreds more for musical instruments or new cleats. I honestly think it will even out. For all I know, my son could be the fashionista and my daughter will be begging for a new batting glove.

Dads are always going to worry about their daughters. I just think I need to spend more time worrying about making sure she's safe and happy now rather than how much of a bitch she might be when she's fourteen.


#FamousLastWords

Kids

Do you realize kids born within the last month have never seen an update to this site?  That's not a world I want to live in.

Speaking of kids (I'm practicing my transitions for my television debut) I'm going to be Daddy² soon.  Some of you may say "Wait just a minute my rotund friend!  Don't you mean Daddy * 2?"  No, Sir, I do not.  Because for each kid you have everything increases exponentially.  Cuteness quotient, drama index, and poopy diaper coefficient.

My wife is currently in her eighth month of pregnancy. (Side Note: Eighth is a ridiculously spelled word.  Just look at it.  That's one of the dumbest looking words I've ever seen.  Score one for illiteracy. At least they don't have to read it.)  She is enjoying all the fun things that come with being pregnant.  What's that?  There's really not much about pregnancy that's fun?  Well, then maybe we should carve this baby out and live it up.  But am I ready?

I sway back and forth when I walk between excitement and sheer terror.  I have never been a parent to someone under the age of two.  I assume the snarky comments and general sass-mouth (medical term) are replaced with bottles and diapers.  Other than that, I have no idea what to expect.

I am prepared for screaming children at 3 A.M. (and 3 P.M.) but am I prepared to parent an infant?  Can I give my newborn daughter all the love she deserves without making my son feel like I'm robbing him of said love?  Can I find time to show my wife that she's still the gorgeous, intelligent woman that I married even when we're both exhausted and delirious?  Can I find time to further my career/continue my education/pursue my dreams when I now have two humans depending on me for everything?

It's overwhelming.  I'm excited, but humbled.

I can't be the only person who's felt this way, right?

Parents

There seems to be some confusion over proper parenting behavior.

Parents don't need an accountant to keep track of the money they spend on their kids, just so it can be held over their heads later in life.

Parents don't display their grievances with their childrens' decisions in public.  And they sure as hell don't demean them in front of anyone else.

Parents don't try to use grandchildren as a threat or bargaining chip in petty arguments.

Parents make sure their kids get hugs and kisses and "I love you" so much that it's embarrassing.

Parents don’t put baby in a corner.



I saw an article on Cracked the other day talking about things that "good" parents do to screw up their children.  It was a list of the things that are "best practices" for parenthood but often end up having unintended consequences.  Of course, this all assumes that someone else knows how to parent your kid better than you do.  Granted, sometimes this is quite true. *cough* Dina Lohan *cough*

But many people are so concerned with having the right plan and saying the right things to ensure our little bundles of innocence blossom into functional adults.

The following is taken from an email exchange my wife and I had after reading the Cracked article.  She jokingly asked if we should revamp our entire parenting strategy.

Or we could just be open and honest with our child instead of trying to trick him into being a productive human being.  That's the biggest problem.  Everyone wants a battle plan for raising their child.  That's stupid.

If every adult is a different person then every child is a different person.  If you tried to make a cookie cutter guide to please every person on the planet it would be a horrendous failure.  So why do people try to do it with children?  Time-outs work for some kids.  Guilt works for some kids.  Spankings work for others.  There's no "right" way to raise a child.  And parents need to tailor their parenting to their own fucking child.  

I'm not saying to let them get away with anything they want.  But have rules and stick to them.  And if you find out that your own rules are bullshit, then change them.  Admitting to your child that you made a mistake does NOT make you weaker in their eyes.  It makes you more human.  And there's no better way to raise a child then to have them realize everyone's human and everyone makes mistakes.

I'm not saying parents are 100% responsible for how their kids turn out.  But I'm sure as hell saying they're 98% responsible.  


Don't wait until your kid is seventeen and going to the prom to talk to them about sex.  
Don't wait until your kid is seventeen to talk to them about drinking/smoking/drugs.
Don't train your kid to be a good little sheep and accept everything that authority figures say verbatim. 


I don't have all the answers.  Hell, I don't have most of the answers.  But I've seen quite a bit of parenting, whether it be myself or others in my life.  And I sure as hell know what NOT to do.  


Don't be scared that you don't know how to do everything right.  


You will screw up.  Your kids will screw up.  Learn from those mistakes TOGETHER.  I honestly think that's the only way to avoid being an 18 year-long incubator and becoming a functional parent. 






If you would like to buy a copy of my parenting book I would be glad to print out this post, staple it several times (no less than two, no more than four), and sell it to you for $17.99.