Lost

Being unemployed has caused its fair share of complications.  But not the ones I was initially worried about.

Money's not tight, yet.  I'm not going stir crazy (my wife may beg to differ).  And the "worthless, unemployed loser" has subsided, a bit.

The scariest part about being unemployed is I'm almost enjoying it.  I knew I was unhappy in my previous position but I am starting to realize the mental toll it was taking on my life.  My stress level had gotten so high that I don't think I ever came down.  I would spend all day Saturday gradually coming down from the never-ending drama of the work week, never fully letting it go.  And I would spend all Sunday ratcheting the stress level back up by worrying about things I needed to do in the coming week.  And of course bringing work stress home with you is great for the whole household.  I never found a way to give my brain a break.  Rinse and repeat for four years and you get my mental state, as of a month ago.

I spent the first week of unemployment relaxing with my family.  It was my son's spring break from school so I made a conscious effort to focus on family and leave the job hunt alone until the following week.  It worked for a few days.  I ended up applying for several jobs late that Friday under the guise that my resume would be waiting for the companies on Monday morning.

I got a response from an application for a job which listed qualifications a bit over my head.  But I was excited.  How great would it be to find a new job before I received my final paycheck from my previous job?  Alas, this "job opportunity" turned out to be a staffing firm just wanting to get my information into their system.  If the meeting had been presented as such I would not have hesitated  to meet.  But the correspondence was worded as though I was in consideration for this particular position.  It was disappointing, to say the least.  Nevertheless, the gentleman was incredibly personable and helpful, giving many suggestions about my resume.

I have since sent my resume to several more places and have made it through a phone interview and one in-person interview with one place.  This company looks to be an ideal situation for me.  Work smart, play hard.  Is there a better motto than that? 

(Update:  Since writing the draft for this post I received a response from this company.  Alas, I am apparently not what they are looking for at this time.  That really hurts.  I just wish I knew more about why.  Was is something I said?  Or didn't say?  Do I not have the needed skills?  Was I too reserved?  Did I come on too strong?  I have replayed the entire interview in my head dozens of times and still can't pinpoint the problem.  I think this is how insanity begins.)

I'm struggling with my reaction to unemployed life.  Weirdly, the emotion I feel most is guilt.  For some reason I feel guilty that I'm not going insane.  And I don't really understand that.

I filled out all the paperwork for unemployment benefits.  All that's left is for me to check in every Monday to get the money.  That was three weeks ago.  I can't bring myself to do it.  I have paid into the fund through my taxes for almost ten years.  Why is it so hard for me to take money to which, by all legal accounts, I am entitled?  It just feels dishonest to me.  Unemployment payments should be for people struggling to feed, clothe, and shelter their family.  I'm not there yet.  To take money without really needing just feels like stealing.  Add to this my feeling that taking something out of availability rather than necessity is what's killing humanity, and it makes it virtually impossible for me to accept unemployment benefits.

So I carry on, seeking my next employment opportunity, still trying to decide what I want to do with my life.  I do not doubt my abilities.  But I'm beginning to lose confidence in my professional focus.  I want to do so many different things that I'm finding it incredibly difficult to look for jobs.  I spend more time staring at a search prompt, trying to decide what phrase to use, than I do looking at actual job descriptions. 

I'm in my late twenties.  I'm supposed to at least have my career field narrowed down by now, right?  I just want to go to work, feel like I'm contributing to society, and come home to my family.  I don't want fortune and stock options.  I don't seek titles and power. 

I don't have a happy, concise ending to this rant.  And I have no idea if it even makes any sense.  But I guess that's the perfect metaphor for my life.